Moving with the Kids

by Kathleen McBride

Moving into a new home is one of the biggest changes a family can face - one that's both exciting and stressful for children. With sensitive planning, parents can turn moving into an adventure for kids, while handling the changing feelings and

practical details.

Losing your place:

The transition of moving creates a temporary loss of place in one's world that can be uncomfortable and scary for family members, especially children. It's important for parents to acknowledge the temporary emotional and physical discomforts of moving by reassuring kids that they will continue to be loved and cared for right through the changes of moving. The following suggestions can ease the transition to a new home:

• Prepare your children for the move by giving them lots of information about the reasons for moving, and helping them to understand what they can expect at their new home.

• Invite your children to talk about their feelings with you.

• Listen to their feelings and reassure children that they are heard and understood.

• Avoid the role of the cock-eyed optimist who insists everything will be wonderful in the new place. Even if the new home is better, it may take some time for your kids to let go of their attachment to the old place.

• Try not to take it personally if your child is having trouble with the adjustment to moving and blames you for causing it. Explain to your child that parents must make such big decisions for the good of the family. You can offer emotional support practical help, and understanding with the lesson that sometimes changes can't be avoided.

• Share the feelings and experiences you may have had during a childhood move.

• Moderate the feelings you share with your children during your present move. You are the adult in charge, and your child's feelings of security depend on your ability to cope.

• Do share your feelings with a caring adult. Parents need reassurance and comfort during the stresses of moving, too.

• Focus on the positive aspects of your new home, neighborhood, school, and community. Emphasize the active choice your family is making to relocate.

Continuity:

Parents may be tempted to send the kids to Grandma's or another caring relative during the hectic packing and moving process. Though removing the kids may seem like a solution to a parent's problems, it can create some problems of it's own for children.  Feeling out of control is one element of change that can increase emotional discomfort and prolong adjustment to a new home. Children need to experience some control in the big changes that moving brings to their lives. Taking part in the transition provides children with continuity, seeing the family move from the old place to the new one. Participation also promotes a sense of control, and the feeling empowered in the process of moving.

Young Children:

In a well-planned and organized move infants and young children can enjoy an easy transition from one home to another. Young children are less attached to place than older children. Your young child's world is very family-centered and includes caregivers among the central figures in his or her small world. A change in caregivers may be the biggest adjustment your young child will be required to make. Consider the following when planning a move with young children:

• Minimize changes to the child's routine or the addition of new expectations, such as toilet training, weaning, new foods, a new pet, until the child is settled in the new environment.

• Prepare for the move by using fantasy play with your child to act out the moving process with toys and stories.

• Expect some regressive behaviors, such as thumb-sucking, sleep disturbances, or bed wetting, to appear before, during and after the move. These will disappear as your child adjusts to the new home.

• Involve your young child in the move by encouraging him to pack at least one box of his own things.

• Personalize your child's boxes by providing labels, stickers, rubber stamps, or colored pens to mark his own things.

• Avoid packing favorite toys, books, bedtime companions and clothes in moving boxes. Keep those accessible, especially in a long distance move.

• Create a "storybook" of your child's move by photographing him or her at various stages of the move and organizing the pictures in a special album or scrapbook. Be sure to include favorite play spots along with friends and familiar people in the old neighborhood. If you have a video camera, make a special tape of your child or children and their move to a new home.

• Unpack children's things - especially favorite toys - as soon as possible. Let kids help to arrange and decorate their new space with familiar objects.

• Find a place where kids can have fun safely while you get settled. A finished basement, for example, can provide a playroom with lots of space for kids to play while they adjust to their new surroundings.

• Keep in mind that preschoolers think in the present. Don't be surprised if the concept of moving weeks from now or the anticipation of a new home has little meaning for them.

Older Children:

School-age kids, particularly adolescents, are often quite attached to their friends, and sometimes even can have their own lifestyles. A major change, like moving, threatens their feelings of control and independence and can trigger strong emotions, sometimes with behavioral problems. Talking about uncomfortable feelings can help your child to handle them and move through the transition more easily. Older children are capable of assuming a responsible role in the moving process, which helps them to feel more in control, and offers the family some real support. Here are some things to consider when moving with older children:

• Help your children to say goodbye to friends by encouraging them to have a party or informal gathering, collect photos and addresses, and make a scrapbook, album or video as a keepsake.

• Give your children specific jobs to help with the move and let them know that their cooperation is essential now.

• Use any contacts you have in the new community through employment, real estate agents, professional organizations, and churches to gather information useful to your child.

• Make contact with club or sports-related organizations to encourage those interests in your family's new community.

• Contact your child's prospective school for information on registration, sports, clubs, extra-curricular activities, and testing or health requirements.

• Ask if copies of the most recent yearbook and school newspaper are available to help your child get an idea of the student population and what to expect on the first day of school.

• Try to time your family's move to coincide with the beginning of a new school year or term. Making new friends is easier when a new session is just beginning.

Make it Easy:

Planning the schedule and details of your move will make your family's life easier during the entire process. Sit down with family members and plan the move using a blank calendar. Assign family members appropriate duties, letting each one know when to start working and how to complete the job on schedule.  Calm your family's health by insisting on adequate rest, nutritious eating, and a clam atmosphere for everyone in the weeks prior and during the moving process. Illness can only complicate matters and possibly delay your hectic, and tightly planned, schedule.  Do your best to maintain a few of your family's rituals even during the move. Every family has its own traditions or habits that give its members their unique family identity. It may be eating waffles on Saturday mornings, walking around the neighborhood, or enjoying a favorite TV program together. Whatever your family does to distinguish itself should be maintained as much as is practical to ease the stresses associated with moving.